Ayurveda and Marriage Counseling

This semester I am teaching a course in family therapy and marriage counseling.  One of the gurus I quote in my teaching is John Gottman.  Dr. Gottman is a sociologist who does research into marital dynamics.  He lives and works inSeattleand runs a research lab called The Marriage Lab.   Gottman has studied marital dynamics for about thirty years.  One of the common problems  he has identified in a marriage  is called “the harsh start up.”

Ladies, the harsh start up is most often a female behavior but certainly it is not only females who make mistakes in marital communication.  The fellas do plenty of dumb things too.  We can talk about some of the more typical male errors another time.  Certainly, there are some men who do harsh start ups but, according to Gottman,  this is most frequently a female behavior.

Harsh start up is exactly what it sounds like.  A person feels upset about something or other and goes to their partner with this emotional/psychological upset and speaks harshly.  Of course this is an unproductive communication but the reason  it is unproductive is quite interesting.  It doesn’t work because when a woman approaches a man in this manner his fight or flight instinct is triggered and he usually, most often, flees. He flees through distance and being non-communicative.

Gottman takes blood samples of his subjects before, sometimes during, and after interactions.  He says that when a man is approached with a harsh start up his stress hormones become activated and his heart pumps faster and he protects his health by withdrawal.  Of course we know the end of this sad story.  He withdraws.  She becomes harsher.  He withdraws more and eventually the stress level in the family rises to uncontrollable levels.  Since relationships and family interactions significantly affect overall physiological health, a harsh start up is something that should be avoided.

According to Ayurveda our communication patterns are a reflection of our doshic imbalances.  Yesterday Sandra and I talked about harsh start ups and reflected that it would be women with a pitta imbalance who engage in this behavior.  Anger and hostility are hallmarks of both the harsh start up and a pitta imbalance.

What should do we do first — change our communication patterns or work on achieving doshic balance?    Since both are inter-related they can be worked on at the same time. Physiological balance will insure that marital communication will change in a life affirming way and our style of marital communication will affect our doshic balance.   There is a continual feed-back loop between feelings, behavior and health.  Our book Healing Depression the Mind-Body Way is a manual for how to identify and rectify imbalances. When in balance behavior changes and as behavior is altered balance is increased.

Talking about harsh start ups led Sandra and I to speak about other imbalances which can foster unproductive behavior patterns.  For instance, people with a vata imbalance are often good at just stirring things up!  They stir up tornados and storms.  Chaos will swirl around them.  A person with a kapha imbalance, on the other hand, has no awareness of anxiety and can become immobilized.  Anxiety turned inward and getting in the way of achievement is indicative of the kapha imbalanced person.

Imbalances in the doshas affect our communication style.  They also affect us physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  Achieving and maintaining balance must be an on-going project.  Without balance we are vulnerable to all types of problems.  Marital problems are among the most severe since these cause damage to our physical and mental health.  Happiness should always be our goal and doshic balance is the road to happiness.  Let’s meet on this road!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image from http://onlinemarriagecounselor.org/

How Can You Effectively Fight an Illness?

When a friend of mine became ill recently she pointed to boxing gloves and she laughingly said, “I am going to put these gloves on and fight this sickness.  I know if I fight hard enough I will get better.”

The boxing gloves were a metaphor for her belief that a strong fight would diminish her sickness. Our culture fosters this perspective.  If we “fight” hard enough we will overcome the obstacle of illness.

What exactly does “fighting an illness” mean?  I think that many people equate fighting with denial.  Others equate it with positive thinking and still others with a belief system, the core of which is exemplified by the following statement, “I am a strong person and I will not allow this sickness to take me down.”  The sick person often develops a way of being which encompasses both denial and determination.

Research does show that positive attitude is helpful for recovery from disease.  But, is “fighting” necessarily indicative of positive attitude?  I don’t think it always is.  The feeling that “I need to fight” is a natural feeling.  It is how we fight that is important!

When severe illness attacks the body, the mind and emotions are equally affected.  Fear, loneliness and anger flow though the physiology. Sick people often experience guilt as well.  It is a normal reaction to believe that it must be your fault if you have become sick.  I remember hearing an older woman say, “I must have done something bad.”  When I asked why she felt that way, she responded, “Because I feel so bad.”  Our emotions do not always make rational sense. It is important that these emotions not be denied, but that they become acknowledged.

The repression of denial, anger, guilt and loneliness increases the strength of these emotions.  The enormous effort that goes into repressing the feelings drains much needed strength from the physiology, strength that could otherwise be used for healing.

How can we develop a positive attitude in the face of severe illness?  Let’s begin by redefining the word “fight.”   All too often “fighting” implies denial and working against something.  The fact is that if illness is assaulting the body we need to be strong and positive and the first step in that direction is to acknowledge the feelings which accompany the illness. If we acknowledge our emotions we will become stronger.  If we focus only on the belief that we must fight we will weaken our physiology.

For instance, allowing fear to wash over oneself is an effective step in dismissing this emotion.  Fighting against this feeling, on the other hand, would give it strength.

Acceptance of the feelings associated with being sick is the first step toward building a positive attitude.   Whereas a mentality fostering a fight weakens the mind-body, an accepting approach strengthens the entire physiology.  Acceptance of the feelings associated with the illness harbors a gentle strength.  This gentle strength fosters healing at all levels.  It also allows rest to be deeper and deep rest is a valuable treatment for any and all illnesses.

Sandra and I hope that none of you should experience a severe illness in your lifetime.  We wish you perfect health and happiness.  We hope that our book Healing Depression the Mind-Body Way helps you to achieve happiness and health.  At the same time, we hope that should you become ill you will gently accept the feelings which accompany knowledge of your illness.  We hope you remember that fighting against something in our lives only makes that “something” stronger and that acknowledgment of the feelings associated with illness will make you stronger.  Acceptance of the full depth and breathe of experience makes us stronger—-boxing gloves weaken the mind and the body.

Thanks for reading,