To be a Good Enough Mother Must you be a Super-Mom?

The child-care guru D.W. Winnicott wrote about “the ordinary devoted mother.”  He coined the term “the good enough Mother.”

It seemed that for quite a few years, after Winnicott’s time, Mothers were let at least a little bit off the hook.  They were no longer considered responsible for every little thing that went wrong with a child.  Mom was given a break and Dad was expected to become increasingly involved.

In the last few years has the pendulum swung back to extraordinarily high expectations for Mom?  I think it has and believe this to be a phenomenon fraught with danger for both Mom and child.

Psychology is a social science. There is often hard data supporting its suppositions but there are many times when accepted ideas haven’t left the theoretical realm. An example of this would be the idea, held for many years, that autism was created by a mother called the “refrigerator Mom.”  Imagine how much the mother of an autistic child suffered when this belief was held to be accurate.

While psychology has always touted the premier importance of mothering for child adjustment, current scientific data coming to us from psychoneuroimmunology and other areas of scientific inquiry is also telling us how pivotal is the connection between mother and child.  As this information reaches the mainstream mothers are having new pressures put upon them.

Science is becoming increasingly aware of how the connections between us as human beings affect us at a cellular level.  Nowhere is this connection more powerful than that between mother and child.  For instance, science tells mom not to be tense around baby or baby will feel the tenseness and become an uptight baby.  This is enough to make a new mom tense if she interprets the information to mean that she has to always be relaxed when she is with baby.  But, it can be helpful information if mom interprets it to mean that she has to take care of herself and focus on her needs in order to enjoy baby. Yes, a tense Mom makes for a tense baby but baby cannot make Mom tense.  Mom makes herself tense by the pressures she puts on herself and by not taking proper care of her own physiological needs.

Of course mothering is exceedingly important for the well being of the child.  But, Mom let’s go back to Winnicott’s time and remember that being good enough is good enough!  After all, you are not a perfect person and so no task you undertake will be done perfectly.  Rule number one for parenting must be to take pressure off of Mom!  I don’t think this happens very often though.  Actually I think many mothers are experiencing parenting as a pressure cooker.

Go to any gathering of young women and you will find them chatting about their kids and their parenting styles.  There is, I think, an underlying feeling of competiveness in the conversation, who does more for their child, who does it better?  I wish they’d talk about nuclear war—–there would be less anxiety!

Is how the kids turn out mom’s report card on herself?  Wow!  If so that is a lot of pressure on both mother and child, and don’t think for one second that the kids don’t know that their grades, their popularity, their success in sports or the arts is how you evaluate yourself.  Once they know that they begin to act for you instead of taking pleasure in their own successes.  This, in the long run creates an internal feeling of emptiness and it diminishes a desire to achieve.

Children need happy, loving mothers; not martyrs

How can you be a good enough mother?

Growing up is a difficult process.  There will always be problems.  Each child will have some problems during their growing years.  Parents are the best equipped to help their kids overcome difficulties.  They are the ones best equipped to help their kids out of problematic dilemmas. It may seem ironic, but the pressure filled mother often has great difficulty realizing that she may be the best one to help her child overcome a problem. She has put so much pressure on herself to be perfect that she has trouble acknowledging that she might need to make some changes in her own style to help her child.

The ability to be flexible and to make changes is an important aspect of parenting. Flexibility and change-making come from a relaxed and happy person; not from a Mom in a pressure cooker.  Guilt can also get in the way of making appropriate changes.  When parents truly believe a problem is their fault and feel guilty about it they can be resistant to making helpful changes.

There is not a recipe for rearing perfect children.  But if there were, the first line would read, “remove parental pressure and anxiety.”

Children are amazing creatures. They see the world with fresh eyes, alert awareness and an open heart.  They need respect for their way of being, love, kindness and firm but loving boundaries.  They will grow up to reach their full potential if they receive positive messages.

We reinforce what we talk about.  If a child is sloppy, note the times they pick up their clothes.  “I notice you were very tidy when you made your bed today” is a powerful message for change.  “Why are you always so sloppy” is a powerful message for status quo. Telling a child that she is happy, healthy, and smart will go a long way to helping her to turn out that way.

Love the children but love yourself first and in this way insure that you do a good job for everyone: child and mother!

Healing Depression the Mind-Body Way is about the creation of health and its by-product, happiness.  The healthy and happy person is grounded and operates from a well of stability and flexibility. The maintenance of health and happiness through Ayurveda and meditation is the best insurance for the creation of competent, happy children.  Sandra and I suggest that you put on your oxygen mask first and that you focus on enjoying the small creatures God has placed in your care.  Enjoyment, love, positivity are the antidotes for pressure and guilt!

As always, we wish you perfect health and happiness.

 

 

Taking a Vacation While on Your Vacation

Recently I’ve heard a number of people say that they need a vacation to recuperate from their vacation.  When making this statement these people seem to be half joking and half serious.

I had been wondering why so many people feel the need for a vacation after a vacation and then last week my husband, Bud, and I took three of our grandchildren to our cottage for a week.  Bud and I were “alone”—meaning the parents of these three children were at home.  They were all working, but maybe they were really the ones having a vacation!  (I am half joking and half serious!)

Bud and I truly did have a delightful week.  We kayaked and swam and hiked and had terrific interesting conversations with these three bright young people.  In truth, the week was very special for us and for the kids.

At the same time, Bud and I realized that we had forgotten how much children interfere with adult relationships.  We were so busy with the children that we hardly had a chance to talk to each other.  At night we each wanted to be quiet and read or go to sleep early.  Around mid-week we both remembered all the years that our everyday life was filled with attention to children and how much life has changed for us since our kids grew up, how much easier it’s gotten.

Rearing children is life fulfilling and life filling.  Most of us desire to have children but it is a stressful job and the attention going to the children often leaves the parents emotionally drained.  Statistics tell us that childless marriages are the happiest and that divorce stats rise when the kids are teen agers.  Teen-age years are considered to be the most stressful time for parents and childless couples are able to focus  undivided attention on each other.

Couples can lose their connection to each other while helping their kids grow up.  In addition, concerns about children occupy parents’ minds and when the parents discuss these concerns the stress each parent feels can often trigger a conflict between the parents.  Stress is Public Enemy Number One and it sneaks its ugly tentacles into all aspects of life and living.  As rewarding as it is – and it is unquestionably rewarding — parenting can be filled with stress and this stress adversely affects the individual, the couple and the child the stress is directed at.

Ample research has shown that the TM technique is extraordinarily helpful for parents and we recommend it strongly.  You might wonder why closing your eyes 20 minutes twice a day profoundly helps your children, but the answer is simple.  The deep rest the TM technique provides relieves stress from your physiology.  Stress relief energizes the mind-body and by taking care of yourself in this way you have more to give.  Your responses to your children will be smoother and your voice tone sweeter.  To learn more about the TM technique read Chapter 9 in Healing Depression the Mind-Body Way.

In order to rear happy children couples to extend ample energy toward each other.  The tone and tenor of the marriage has profound effects on the children.  Make dates and plan fun times together.  The happier you are together, the happier and more fulfilled your children will be.  Happy children are successful children.  Go for walks with your spouse or significant other—-make time to just “be” and to enjoy each other’s company. The stress of everyday living and the fact that each parent thinks differently and handles situations differently from the other often develops into anger at each other.  Meditation will help to dissipate this anger.  Then taking time to have fun together will further cement your couple relationship.

Create a feeling of co-operation in your home.  Children want to please their parents.  They will behave the way they see you behaving.  If you are bossy, always correcting them, or yelling, they will mimic this behavior.  If you act mad they will act mad.  A spirit and feeling of co-operation will encourage them to co-operate with you and if they are unencumbered by the heavy weight of your displayed emotions they will be able to move forward in life in a free and easy way.

Last week Bud and I were reminded of the pressures parents feel.  We remembered how easy it is to become overwhelmed and to always put the perceived needs of the children first.  It’s easy for parents to lose themselves in the demands of parenthood.  If this happens, then the children flounder.

The Transcendental Meditation technique is always the first and foremost recommendation for stress release.  Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, who introduced Transcendental Meditation to the west, said, “Children love it when Mommy meditates because then the child knows Mommy will be so much more patient with his mischief.”  Maharishi was half joking and half serious!  He knew that a calm, relaxed Mother raises happy successful children and he was encouraging Mothers to meditate to relieve stress from their mind-body.  A stressed Mother does not have the ability to be sweet and to set boundaries in a cooperative style.

Traditional marriage counseling urges parents to make time for themselves and for each other.  Children truly do not need nearly as much time and attention as many American parents believe they need.  But, they do flourish if they have happy, content parents who obviously have fun with each other and project a feeling of love and co-operation throughout the family.

 

 

 

 

Have a great week and thanks for reading, 

Nancy